Stuff I Won't Be Able to Do Once I'm a Mom

First, a note... this obviously isn't me, but I love this picture and no, I won't be
able to do this once I'm a mom... but I will be Wonder Woman!

Read a book a week. On second thought, I probably won't get in an article a week unless it's about sleep strategies or how to clean up regurgitated split peas.

Sleep in. Ever. Ever again. For as long as I live. Goodbye pillow. I'll miss you.

Leisurely walks with my dog. OK, so they aren't so leisurely. She pretty much drags me from shrub to shrub. Yes, we must sniff every leaf or else.

Dinner out whenever we want. Every night if we want to, and yes, I'll have another martini, thank you.

Friday night at the movies. With no notice. 7:10 showing? Nah, let's do the 11:15! Who cares if we're home after 1 am?!?

Let the dog have bad manners. Why isn't it OK to let her beg at the table, jump on us, wrestle with our hands or refuse to drop her toys ( or our laundry, or q-tips, or our parrot ).

Cry for no reason. Aren't moms strong, brave, impenetrable fortresses who can endure any amount of sleepless nights while keeping food on the table, holding down a full time job ( plus one ), and somehow finding time to bathe?

Love Affair with TIVO. No more hours of Lost with no break. No marathons of CSI or Crossing Jordan. Sigh. Does this mean I have to give up Spongebob? No? Thank God!

Unlimited Reality TV. Who says I can't fit in a child, dog, bird, husband, house, job, family, friends, chores, errands AND Survivor, Amazing Race, Top Chef, Project Runway, Apprentice, Clean Sweep, Trading Spaces, Deal or No Deal, and American Idol?

Cookies for Dinner. While I do a pretty good job of eating healthy, my dear husband isn't as disciplined. If he wants cookies, or chips, or nothing, that's pretty much what he has. And it's not like I'm going to cook for just myself. That's crazy talk.

Swearing. Moms say things like Darn it, Oh my Goodness, heck, etc. My dad was a trucker and we share a lot of characteristics, so maybe I just naturally have a trucker mouth.

Speeding. I've already curbed this habit. Something maternal must be happening. I thought about getting a sign that read: "Paperwork on Board", but it might cause confusion based lane wandering, thus creating an even bigger safety hazard.

Obscenely priced jeans. I have so many pairs of jeans that they are stacked in 2 piles on my closet floor . . . Only 2 pair were over $100, but still. Who do I think I am, JLO?

. . . There are many more! I thought of about 10 more while proofreading. I'll have to do it again later in the wait.

Next time, I'll itemize the things that I WILL be able to do once I become a mom. That should be interesting.

I have to run . . . My Wednesday Reality TV is starting!