Hanging On by Our Fingernails

We're just hanging out waiting.

Some days comfortably, knowing that the next foothold is just a little to the left and up a bit….other days, it seems like we're just barely hanging on by our fingertips, bracing for that feeling of weightlessness as we lose it and spiral downward into whatever chasm awaits us.

The word "wait" has different meaning for us than most in the China adoption process, though. I finally realized that the other night. We had a class at our agency a few days ago focusing on orphanage life and what kids go through before finding their family. It was mostly review of things I already knew, but they had a slideshow, which was interesting. There were picture of the inside of orphanages, the CCAA offices, and medical facilities. While I'm sure they only took pictures of the very best orphanages, leaving out the horror stories, it is apparent that there have been huge changes in the conditions of facilities. Thanks to donations and numerous foundations, such as Half the Sky and Love without Boundaries, better care is slowly but surely finding its way to some of the children who need it.

Anyway, we saw two couples who were in our weekend orientation class back in October. When explaining where we are in the process, I naturally mentioned that we are taking the Special Needs track and, because we are doing things backwards from what most people going SN do (selecting child profile after dossier submission, not before), we have to wait for new special needs profiles to arrive. I made the mistake of mentioning in both conversations that we are still hoping to travel by the end of this year. With both couples, I could see the joy of hearing about our process wash away as they basically heard me tell them that we will have our child home about a year and a half before them. As we drove home, I couldn't help but feel sad for not standing in their shoes first before opening my big mouth. How hard would it have been just to tell them that our dossier went to China almost 3 weeks ago and we are now awaiting our Log In Date? That would have been so simple. Shame on me for not being more sensitive.

However badly I feel for this exchange, I still feel justified in throwing my own little pity party. Yes, our timeline will be different, but I also feel a little sad for missing out on the bonding that these dossier groups will experience. More than this, I am super sad that we need to wait for the next set of special needs files to arrive at our agency. They are expecting a new batch in April, but by the time they are translated and ready for "parents in process" to review, it will be sometime in May. Because there was a chance that we wouldn't make the May 1 deadline and didn't want to put in a request for a child (I know which one, too) and wind up heartbroken, we decided to wait. At the time that didn't seem so bad. Now I know I just didn't understand yet. Thinking about the waiting is like a bruise. You know it's there and that it hurts, but you can't help but touch it to see if it hurts any less than 5 minutes ago...and yes, it still hurts. In time, it will hurt less and then finally not at all. The band aid is a smiling, crying, scared little face thousands of miles away. I know that this mini-wait that I am going on and on about is the first of many delays for us…much like the families in the Non Special Needs track, just a different flavor and not as sour. Down the road, we'll face more delays that are affecting Special Needs families such as Pre Approval, Travel Approval, and even new paperwork exchanges in between these that add another layer of waiting. New bruises to poke at. The paperwork itself was a breeze for us, despite some delays, but this waiting…I don't know how the NSN families are conjuring the strength to do it.

So, while I hang out on this cliff edge for a while, bear with me. My pity parties will hopefully be few and far between. After all, time really does fly if you let it. Before long, I'll be saying I have too much to do before we travel and NO ONE will feel sorry for me, I'm sure.

As an update on Shawn's hockey tournament up north, it didn't go so well. They only won 1 game and Shawn said the skill level, even his, did not live up to expectations. Poor thing. He did have a great time with his brother and family up there, and hopefully we'll get to see them again soon under different circumstances (maybe warmer and different). In his absence, I've been enjoying some "girl time" with my Polli. We had good times and got a lot done around the house. She is a great helper, especially when sorting laundry or making the bed. Also in Shawn's short absence, we had one day of almost 70 degree beautiful spring weather, 2 days of torrential downpours, and one day of snow flurries!