Mommy? Are You Talking to Me?
As we come down this final stretch, I am asked almost every day now what it feels like to become a mom? My answer... I have no idea. Ask me after Ian is home for, say, 6 months. I might know by then.
Up to now, Ian has been a big pile of paperwork. I don't have a growing belly, he's not kicking me, no ultrasounds... He's a 2 minute video clip and a bunch of my signatures next "Adoptive Mother" on agency letterhead.
I am really torn between two emotions right now. One is excitement over the thought that we'll be traveling in just a couple of months. The other is fear. White knuckled, pee in your pants, fetal position under the covers... fear. Not a fear of flying, not a of being a mother even, but more a fear of failure. Can I pull this off? What if I forget to feed him? Change him? What if he cries and I can't do what I need to make it better? What if he eats something off the floor? What if Polli gets too rough with him? What if he gets too rough with Polli?
These are the things that keep me up at night now. It kind of puts my car seat and crib bedding psychosis into perspective, huh?
So, as we wait these last days or weeks until our Travel Approval from China, I'll do what I can to cope with this sudden fear of failure. Anyone with advice is welcome to comment... just don't say something like "you'll be a great mom" or "just wait until he's in your arms". I've heard that already! Maybe if I go shopping I'll feel better!
Yes, fear is a good word to describe parenting! My daughter is 4 and she still scares me! Now it's not so much "am I able to take care of her?", now it's fears like: will she be ok at school, will she eat her snack slow enough that she doesn't choke and I'm not there to help her??? Ahhh! Parenting fears never end. Just evolve in diffent ways. Once Ian is home, you won't have time to worry about these things. You'll know what to do to care for him. And even if you don't know what to do in every sitaution, you'll eventually figure it out together :) No worries! Welcome to parenthood! Now, worrying about them leaving for college....there's real worries!
ReplyDeleteDefinately don't worry about the "will I forget to feed him?"!!! lol My Ian, my 4 1/2 yo is also Ian, definatley does not and never has let us forget to feed, bath, clothe, change or any of the other necessities! If it is a MUST, then Ian will let you know! If it is a SHOULD, then it may slip by, but don't worry about SHOULDs! Otherwise you'll "should" all over yourself! LOL You'll be fine, I know because 1) you named him Ian and 2) you're worrying.. that means you care!
ReplyDeleteHi, I saw your blog address on the WC Yahoo group and I've been enjoying reading about your son. He's just adorable!! I've met a cyber friend from our agency who is adopting a little girl with the same SN. They are on the same timeline as you too.
ReplyDeleteI love your blog...it's fun to read!
I had a lot of fears about being a parent before Alex arrived. Once he got here, what finally occurred to me was that you learn as you go. You learn to be a mom and at the same time he learns to be your son. Ian will definitely let you know when he needs something. Alex was 5 1/2 months old when he arrived, but even at that age he was able to communicate his needs. Don't worry and just enjoy him.
ReplyDeleteHi - just found you through Mel's blog - actually trying to find your actual referral post so I can announce it on her blog.
ReplyDeleteAnyway - just had to stop and comment, I had the same white knuckled fear you did right before we traveled to get our son. My advice is: try not to think about it too much. If you stop and think about it, you will be scared...but if you don't think, and just DO, you will be fine. Fortunately, babies give you pretty good clues. You will learn when he's hungry vs. tired, and well, you can always ask the internets if you need help!
Good luck and happy travels!